


Breaking The Habit

by AAluminium



Category: Original Work
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-21
Updated: 2017-07-21
Packaged: 2018-12-05 03:35:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11569461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AAluminium/pseuds/AAluminium
Summary: I'm breaking the habit tonight





	Breaking The Habit

**Author's Note:**

> In loving memory of Chester Bennington. I have never been a huge fan of Linkin Park, but his death affected me enormously. This is written as an emotional response to one of my favourite songs, "Breaking the Habit", which gave me a start, which gave me strength to go on with my life. It was my personal era, an epoch I have never thought I can lose so easily and quickly. 
> 
> Thank you, Chester. Thank you, Linkin Park. We will always love and remember you.

_In loving memory of Chester Bennington_

Life is always about choices, isn’t it? We are obliged to make them, on our own accord or not, following some galvanic decisions and well-thought ideas that either able to change everything at once or to keep it all the same way. It’s ominous, isn’t it? You never expect the repercussions that may reverberate years after. You never foretell anything – I couldn’t have predicted all the losses I have gone through, I couldn’t have predicted my own ebb and flow, I couldn’t have done anything against fate. 

I smoke, staring at the ceiling. Aren’t we in constant fear? I do not want to participate in another battle my choice can cause. I’m safe here in my room – that’s why I tightly lock the door, pretending to sequester. I do not ignore anyone, but I need some time alone, I need to settle things down in my head, and albeit I cannot find the best ways to explain to myself why it has happened the way it all has happened, staying here somewhat calms me down. I can talk to myself. I can feign normalcy. I can be myself. 

I’m a cornered animal, am I not? I say things I don’t mean, I smile when I don’t want to, I put on mask after mask when I want to scream. Why do I do this? Maybe not to hurt others – even my therapist doesn’t know the full picture, let alone my friends and family. I love them all, I have people who care about me, and I deeply appreciate that – but it doesn’t help a tad. Is it even possible not to inflict a blow to your closest ones when you’re a shattered ruin – the ruin morphing into dust and ashes? 

I’ve got everything. But my demons have always been much more powerful, they are still undefeatable and I am not aware of any weapon against them. Do they have a treatise with some instruction? Can venomous mildew, growing tumor devouring you from the inside be vanquished? Can an empty vessel of your body be suffused? Can the reminiscences causing throes and agony be banished once and for all? They won’t abate. I strove hard to combat them by the most commonplace things one can imagine – I partake of alcohol, drugs, and the illusions I saw didn’t make the world better. It was still a perilous, poisonous place I wanted to leave. Once I was stopped – but nothing was germane now, it was already a protracted process of dying. Torpor of soul, heinous madness chasing you inexorably. You’re always vigil, no matter what – and you avoid extraneous questions, you reply to them tersely, you try to be honest with everyone but yourself, and you cannot. Can my folks fathom how I got this way?.. 

I’m breaking the habit. 

Tonight. 

I stare at the noose, transfixed. Is that it? Is that so simple? It seems like I have no option left again. 

I smirk – mirthlessly, yet relieved. I’m stepping into the dark pit of nothingness. I have been cherishing the idea for years now, but it never came into play in that particular light. Now it all falls into place. I’m clutching this cure – and catching my breath. I’ve had enough. I no longer know what’s worth fighting for, and I know it’s not alright. 

I’m breaking the habit. 

Tonight.


End file.
